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In this episode Joel and Antonia dive deep into the needs and desires of the INFJ personality type.
In this podcast on the INFJ Personality Type you’ll find:
- This podcast episode talks about the INFJ personality type
- We have an unusually high number of INFJs represented in Personality Hacker
- INFJs have the tendency to feel very misunderstood.
- 2 important components to understand INFJs:
- Their mental process is called ‘Perspectives’. They’re actually watching their own mind work and form patterns. Because this isn’t something verifiable, other people just don’t believe them or reject what they radiate.
- INFJs pair Perspectives with Harmony. When a person with the INFJ personality type tries to figure out what to do, the first thing that pops in their mind is, “how do we make sure everybody’s needs are met?” This process is in tuned with unspoken social contracts that we accept.
- INFJs are very sensitive to the emotions of other people that they end up absorbing them.
- The more sensitive they are, the more they have the tendency hiding. The less expressive they get, the more pain they experience.
- It’s difficult for the INFJ personality type to build intimacy with another person.
- INFJs who are developed and growth oriented don’t retreat to coldness. They’ve taken the harmony process in order to understand and create healthy boundaries.
- INFJs are also able to see how things will play out in the future and this is one of the reasons why they are hesitant to build intimacy with other people.
- Because they are so aware of what’s going on with the other person, they end up having one-sided relationships.
- Jesus of Nazareth, Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr were probably INFJs.
- INFJs are not in the receiving end in victimization. They have extraordinary capabilities within them.
- If you are an INFJ personality type or know someone who is, here are a few things you need to note:
- You don’t have to absorb other people’s emotions and have it stay there. You need to develop techniques to let it go.
- Words have power and the way you describe yourself will become your reality. Change the way you talk about yourself and think of ways of being a co-creator. Create a reality that’s positive to you. If you change the word use, you can change reality.
- When getting everybody’s needs met, you’re basically part of everybody. Getting your needs met means you take care of yourself. Get sensitive to what those needs are in real time.
- Honor what you need in the moment and be willing to take care of it. This will help you get other’s needs met.
- Continue to look for people who understand you. Allow yourself to be understood and form the relationships you’ve been desiring.
- You can’t change that you’re going to absorb people’s emotions. Manage and learn strategies that will help you figure out a way to let the energy come in and go out.
- Do what you can to see yourself as a person who has positive things to contribute to the world. Focus what you got as gift and not as a burden to others.
Helpful resources for the INFJ personality type:
Developing Your INFJ Personality Type (by Donna Dunning)
The INFJ Personality Type (by Dr. A.J. Drenth)
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304 comments
Recently found out I was an INFJ. Made a lot of sense. I always thought that I was this way because it helped me survive childhood abuse. I had to be “in tuned” to others feelings and emotions in order to stay out of the way, hide, or tread carefully.
I eventually became a nurse, initially worked on a psych unit. Had an uncanny ability to tell when things were about to go bad. I would pick up a feeling upon walking into the unit, even if the patients were not there. I could sense a tension left in the room (may have been emminating from my co-workers ready to leave.) I would tell my techs that if they thought something was wrong, even if they couldn’t explain it, to tell me. I always thought of it like the deer who just knew the lion wanted to eat them. They didn’t have to think about it, it just knew. Sometimes certain people (or situations) just put the hair up on the back of my neck.
I later worked in hospice. I was good at it too. You pick up on subtle clues from the patient, pain, body language, eyes, demeanor. The little things form the big picture. It is more than vital signs and facts. You can also understand the family too. See conflict before it happens. But both can be draining.
I have tended to deny my feeling, my needs, my desire to relate to others. Not many other people get satisfaction from a meaningful, deep discussion. They don’t ponder life or people or situations. It just never crosses their mind. When you try to talk about it, you can see their mind start to smoke.
For awhile, I let some influential people in my life tell me I was wrong, I gave them too much sway.. They told me I mis-interpreted things. I worked outside of nursing for awhile and had a conflict with a boss. I never could please them. I felt picked at and micromanaged. When questioned by their superior (one of my influential people), I was told I was “mis-interpreting things and taking things to personally”. One day, the boss in question was “correcting” something I had done when she realized I had actually done it correctly. She then, I think in a Freudian slip said, “I should stop thinking everything you do is wrong.” Couldn’t believe she actually said it out loud but finally what I had been sensing was validated. This is just one example of the things I picked up on. Hindsight, I realise I did percieve things accurately, the influential people just can’t see things and even when they can, they don’t admit it.
Mostly I’ve been very lonely. Depressed most of my life. Meds do help. The podcast mentioned recieving disapproval a lot. I did as a kid. I internalized I was bad, worthless, etc. Recently through counseling, I have come to “disapprove” of what was done and said to me. It wasn’t right and just because they said it about me, doesn’t make it true. Just because they weren’t able to give love doesn’t mean I wasn’t worthy of it.
I have to make a conscious effort to let people in. I keep waiting for rejection / disapproval to flash across their face when I open up. I’m learning though. I go to counseling once a week now. Sometimes its just a relief to let out what goes on inside my mind, my feelings. Sometimes its just observations, other times discoveries of patterns or behavior (mine or others).(For a long time I had trouble trusting someone enough to share my feelings. My mind would “go white” with anxiety when someone asked my how I felt about something painful. The best I could answer was “not good”.)
And sensing others pain is especially tough when it is my kids. I tend to attract single parents (women) as friends. Sometimes it feels like I am a dumping ground. Often I find these relationships one sided as they say. They dump emotion and leave. I long to connect and have real discussions. I’ve been described as socially awkward because often time I just listen and don’t say much. Everybody is busy talking about themselves, they rarely ask about me, and when they do, they usually don’t mean it—-they really don’t want to know, it was just a social nicety.
Hey, Billie! Thanks for the comment. :)
INFPs actually have an easier time of mapping and managing their emotions in real-time. Since they lead with Authenticity, a feeling process, they’re more comfortable in the space of “is this my emotion, or someone else’s?” INFPs are also more ‘go with the flow’ and have a tendency to ‘shake things off’ easier. (That is, as long as it doesn’t impact a conviction of theirs – then they can be crazy attached to an outcome!)
Since you’re going to be more laid back and more directly monitoring your emotional experience, the most important thing is to not indicate that the INFJ should just ‘let it go’ and ’it’s no big deal’, even if it appears that way to you. You CAN, however, be a great guide to helping them get to their authentic emotion. Sometimes just guiding them through the territory of emotional experience – mapping, if you will, what’s theirs and what’s being absorbed from someone else – can be a big help. You’re imminently qualified for this.
Also – Authenticity is GREAT at helping another person replicate an emotion. Once the experience the INFJ is going through has been validated, ask your husband if he’d like for you to help him feel better, and guide him to a more pleasant experience. It could be that just holding space for him and letting him lean on your emotional stability will be enough. (That is, if you’re in a strong stable space. Again, if you’ve had a conviction crossed, you will be in no position to help anyone stay emotionally stable since you’ll be hyperfocused on whatever has affronted your conviction, or taken away the thing you ‘really, REALLY want’.)
Let me know if that’s helpful. :)
A
ENTP podcast!? Please!? Pretty please with cherries on top!
Your restaurant example describes my husband so accurately it’s uncanny. We had this exact experience when going out to a family dinner just a few weeks ago.
I’ve actually been really working on ways to support my beloved INFJ. He’s going through a lot of the things you’ve described and I’d really like to help him break out of some of the unhealthy patterns occurring (like neglecting his own needs, letting things get to the point of being unable to be around even people you love, getting table-flipping frustrated, becoming physically ill from the stress of picking up everyone’s bullshit). I think self-care/self-permission is kind of a weakness of INFJs – maybe because of the judging, they can’t take care of themselves until ‘business’ is handled?
Any ideas for how an INFP can help an INFJ and not drive them crazy would really be appreciated! Great podcast, this really resonated.
You’re welcome. And thank YOU. :)
A