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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about the art of receiving and how to use it in your personal growth journey.
In this podcast you’ll find:
In our culture, we get a lot of emphasis on the importance of giving.
Giving is how we fight narcissistic tendencies and show compassion
We have lots of training on giving. No training on receiving.
The giver is nothing without the receiver.
If someone is attempting to give you something and you won’t receive it, you are taking from them the ability to give.
Sometimes when we reject gifts from others, it is because we worry about feeling a sense of obligation to return the favor.
If someone gives a gift with the idea of trying to bind you to a contract, then it’s not a gift.
The best way to combat a sense of obligation is to remove reciprocity off the table.
Pay it forward.
If we see every gift as a burden, it will result in us being crappy receivers.
Remove obligation from the table as part of the transaction.
Sometimes we struggle with giving because we are afraid it will put the other person under obligation.
If someone feels an obligation after we offer them a gift that is on them, it shouldn’t affect your giving.
In marketing, you are taught to use this feeling of reciprocity. Give something away, so someone will feel beholden enough to purchase.
In the act of receiving, sometimes it creates a dynamic where the receiver feels vulnerable – they feel like they have lost control of the relationship.
One of the best ways to be okay with this power shift is to remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable.
Vulnerability opens us to genuine connection with another human being.
If you find yourself getting upset when placed under obligation, it may be a sign of some intimacy issues.
Vulnerability is the antidote against feeling alone in the world.
Give yourself the opportunity to open up and be vulnerable.
Gifts don’t always need to be tangible. We can receive gifts in words.
When someone pays you a compliment, how do you respond? Do you reject the compliment and point out all your failures?
Why do we do this? Do we interpret words of affirmation as empty platitudes or flattery? Or are we convinced we need to be self-effacing?
Deflecting all gifts may be a fear that we don’t deserve the gifts we are offered.
Get present with the situation and just let it be without judging it.
Get into your Perceiving or Learning process – N/S – which looks at life with curiosity from a neutral position.
The person giving you a gift isn’t concerned about your worthiness, or they think you are extremely worthy. Realize that and rest into it.
Don’t analyze the gift incentives at the moment. Be present and be a gracious receiver. Consider the incentives later.
Frequently energies that go out are the same energies that come back to us.
The universe is neutral as to what we will get, but we can influence those things with our behavior.
“I’ve got what it takes to have the life that attracts good things into it.”
If you can’t receive little things how will you receive the big things that come up in your life – like an ideal partner or job opportunity?
Shift from believing yourself undeserving to deserving.
Open yourself to the gifts of others and you will open to the gifts of the universe.
Instead of thinking, “Am I deserving of this gift?” say “Am I deserving of love?”
A gracious receiver accepts a person’s love and says “I love you, too” because I’m not going to reject your gift of love.
All of us feel rejected when we try to give somebody love, and they won’t receive it.
Stop seeing gifts as stuff and see them as manifestations of love.
“I will take your love and give you love back by accepting it.”
Set the tone for being the kind of society who regularly gives and receives love.
Questions for discussion: When have you had difficulty giving/receiving? Did you grow up in a family that impacted your ability to give/receive?
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14 comments
Hi Kira! :) I have some good news for you. I did some research for you. I remembered an article on Thought Catalog, that was authored by Heidi Priebe, she surveyed her readers and guess what?!
Well the good news is when she asked them to take the 5 love languages test, 14 out of 16 personality types preferred quality time as their #1 love language, only two types said physical affection was #1 for them and all said that gifts were the lowest for them. So that alone should give you some insight and relief that your friend doesn’t really enjoy giving you gifts even if she’s good at it, it’s more so she’s following some arbitrary social rule she was taught by her parents that you don’t visit anyone empty handed. So to solve your first problem, you don’t have to accept any gifts because you actually by not wanting to accept them you let them off the hook from this social custom that they don’t really want to do anyway.
So to address your second problem here, how to tell her this without upsetting her, well I would suggest saying Thank you for the gifts that she brings and let her know what you would prefer such as quality time. So maybe suggest a movie or coffee or something that interests you and them consider perhaps a game night and drinks and snacks, nothing elaborate, just good fun, conversation and good company. When you do call your friend to invite her over, tell her directly what you want, bring yourselves, and I’ll provide games drinks and snacks then next week we can switch if she wants. That’s a nice thing to say and surprisingly let’s her break her old rules that she thinks she is supposed to follow, because it’s socially acceptable.
Another obvious thing I want to point out is that, as introverts we have rules and criteria for who we become friends with, obviously we become friends with people of like values, interests, and rules, they won’t be exact but similar, so I think it’s safe to say that your friend really is more like you in the wanting quality time versus giving gifts and I think she was being honest about not wanting anything in return because that too is probably a rule for her, and you two finding out what your rules are and what your values are may bring the two of you closer and ensure more intimacy, love and connection between you, imagine how relived both of you would feel if you both found out that you two thought in similar ways on the same issues, I bet the two of you have had those things in common already and that is another reason why you two are friends. Just something to consider, chances are both of you have too many rules that give you pain versus giving you pleasure and learning this I think it’s important to know that you have permission to change those rules because they no longer serve you as they once did.
I hope this helps.
-James
Hey Kira! Thanks for the comment. Did you read James response to the initial commenter? I think he has some great advice on reframing the narratives we tell ourselves.
That is an interesting perspective, Jonathan! Now imagine if you rejected such a compliment. You would be saying, “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t have the skills to notice talent when you see it.” So, you not only rob the complimenter of the gratification that comes with rewarding talent, but you may also prevent them from ever offering positive feedback to anyone else.
Wow, James! Thank you for the gift of your words. I am going to journal about all the personal rules I have that are causing me pain. What an awesome reframe! Thank you for sharing it. :)
Great podcast. I think there is something that should be acknowledged, which is a combination of your first two points: obligation and power. In our society, it can be especially risky for women to accept gifts from men because there so often is that sense of expectation of a very specific type of reciprocity. It’s not always easy to understand what the male giver’s expectation is, and this can color my willingness to receive. Much of the time, I simply don’t want to invest the energy into figuring it out.
I believe that there are two levels (at least!) for evaluating personal relationships: internal (MBTI, etc.) and external (the power dynamics in our society). In my opinion, one needs to think through both to be complete.