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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about the art of receiving and how to use it in your personal growth journey.
In this podcast you’ll find:
In our culture, we get a lot of emphasis on the importance of giving.
Giving is how we fight narcissistic tendencies and show compassion
We have lots of training on giving. No training on receiving.
The giver is nothing without the receiver.
If someone is attempting to give you something and you won’t receive it, you are taking from them the ability to give.
Sometimes when we reject gifts from others, it is because we worry about feeling a sense of obligation to return the favor.
If someone gives a gift with the idea of trying to bind you to a contract, then it’s not a gift.
The best way to combat a sense of obligation is to remove reciprocity off the table.
Pay it forward.
If we see every gift as a burden, it will result in us being crappy receivers.
Remove obligation from the table as part of the transaction.
Sometimes we struggle with giving because we are afraid it will put the other person under obligation.
If someone feels an obligation after we offer them a gift that is on them, it shouldn’t affect your giving.
In marketing, you are taught to use this feeling of reciprocity. Give something away, so someone will feel beholden enough to purchase.
In the act of receiving, sometimes it creates a dynamic where the receiver feels vulnerable – they feel like they have lost control of the relationship.
One of the best ways to be okay with this power shift is to remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable.
Vulnerability opens us to genuine connection with another human being.
If you find yourself getting upset when placed under obligation, it may be a sign of some intimacy issues.
Vulnerability is the antidote against feeling alone in the world.
Give yourself the opportunity to open up and be vulnerable.
Gifts don’t always need to be tangible. We can receive gifts in words.
When someone pays you a compliment, how do you respond? Do you reject the compliment and point out all your failures?
Why do we do this? Do we interpret words of affirmation as empty platitudes or flattery? Or are we convinced we need to be self-effacing?
Deflecting all gifts may be a fear that we don’t deserve the gifts we are offered.
Get present with the situation and just let it be without judging it.
Get into your Perceiving or Learning process – N/S – which looks at life with curiosity from a neutral position.
The person giving you a gift isn’t concerned about your worthiness, or they think you are extremely worthy. Realize that and rest into it.
Don’t analyze the gift incentives at the moment. Be present and be a gracious receiver. Consider the incentives later.
Frequently energies that go out are the same energies that come back to us.
The universe is neutral as to what we will get, but we can influence those things with our behavior.
“I’ve got what it takes to have the life that attracts good things into it.”
If you can’t receive little things how will you receive the big things that come up in your life – like an ideal partner or job opportunity?
Shift from believing yourself undeserving to deserving.
Open yourself to the gifts of others and you will open to the gifts of the universe.
Instead of thinking, “Am I deserving of this gift?” say “Am I deserving of love?”
A gracious receiver accepts a person’s love and says “I love you, too” because I’m not going to reject your gift of love.
All of us feel rejected when we try to give somebody love, and they won’t receive it.
Stop seeing gifts as stuff and see them as manifestations of love.
“I will take your love and give you love back by accepting it.”
Set the tone for being the kind of society who regularly gives and receives love.
Questions for discussion: When have you had difficulty giving/receiving? Did you grow up in a family that impacted your ability to give/receive?
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14 comments
I am extremely uncomfortable with gifts. I’ve trained myself to receive compliments well because honestly I know its more likable, not that I feel worthy of it. I’m an infj and like the first commenter I feel a lot of resentment toward the giver. I’m thinking I feel so unfinished as a person and my personal growth, that I have no copacity to relax and even begin to set myself aside to give to someone else. Then I feel intimidated that this person giving to me must be so much more self content and at ease about themselves. I don’t feel like I can get to that level of self worth to feel able to have anything to offer worth, because I don’t want to give something meaningless and inauthentic. I have a friend that is very detailed and extravigent in her gifts and she continues to keep them coming even though I can barely make her and her husband dinner without feeling drained. I’m certain she is a type 2w3 on the enneagram , so hey what do I expect lol but that also tells me I’m dealing with a person who actually does expect gifts back even though she always says otherwise.
Maybe I can hear some words about how to communicate with a person like this about gift boundaries without upsetting them, and also some words about how to be able to get past feelings of intimidation.
Thanks for reading :)
Hi CrystalOak! Hey if you don’t mind I’d like to try and help. These two situations seem to keep you in a pattern of pain and that affects me when I see someone hurting. One of the greatest gifts I can give anyone is my quality time, since this appeals to you I decided to share my time with you, so hopefully you can feel better about these situations. What you are feeling is not strange or weird to me, it’s actually quite common, so there’s hope. Since you have been so honest and vulnerable in your post, and it’s something I value, I chose to give you my time, consider this an even trade. :)
I want to explain why it’s happening then give you something to say to the gift givers for next time they intend to give you something from their hearts. I’m looking for win-win here.
So the thing that often keeps people in pain, is their beliefs and rules, mainly what has to happen in order for them to feel good about any experience.
Your experience of this reality has nothing to do with reality but is interpreted through the controlling force of the beliefs: specifically, the rules we have about what has to happen in order for us to feel good. These specific beliefs are called when we get pleasure when we get pain rules.
Failure to understand their power can destroy any possibility for life long happiness, and a full understanding and utilization of them can transform your life as much as anything else.
So let me ask you a question: What has to happen in these two situations in order for you to feel good?
So if I examine this to give you some hints the following rules apply to you:
1. You have to receive something that you want.
2. It has to be on a holiday when receiving a gift is appropriate for the occasion.
The two rules above as you mentioned are your feel good rules. Next is your rules for feeling bad.
1. You have to show gratitude for receiving a gift that you don’t want. ( Not showing gratitude is bad)
2. You feel obligated to give something physical of equal or greater value. (Etiquette of gift giving)
Both your feel bad rules are based on society’s expectations of good and bad, are they really your rules or society’s rules that you follow?
There is nothing wrong with being committed and doing everything you can to accomplish something of value to you. However we have to make clear distinctions to change our quality of life for the better.
One distinction I can make here is that these rules are adopted from what was modeled for you as a child, you mentioned that you grew up in a family where gifts were only given during birthdays and Christmas. So this rule of giving gifts at those times is a learned behavior, I see where you learned this by observing what your parents did, so you assumed that this was a rule to follow, however, if you’d like to change this rule you can give yourself permission to do so or you can call home and ask for permission to receive gifts anytime of the year, as silly as that sounds it will help you make that decision if your family is OK with it because I can see where as you value what your family thinks of you to such an extent that if you break their rules you’ve learned they may not think well of you, so I think it’s best to ask. This is just one solution, get your family’s permission to change your rules.
So keep in mind that our personal rules are the ultimate judge and jury to whether or not we see ourselves as good or bad people. These rules will always determine if we meet a certain value if we feel good or bad or if we get pain or pleasure.
One of the things I want to task you with is consider all your rules you have for everything that you do or experience, decide if those rules give you pain or pleasure and then think of ways to change these rules if need be to give you more pleasure in your life and support your values.
Here’s another solution to give you immediate relief from the pain of feeling obligated to reciprocate the physical gifts you receive. When you receive a gift simply say thank you, that is enough to satisfy the need for gratitude for anyone that gives from their heart with out an agenda, if someone is giving from a place of reciprocation, you really are under no obligation to reciprocate anything physical, just say thank you and leave it at that they’re being immoral not you. However I promised you a win-win solution and here it is:
When you receive a gift, say thank you, then to gift your own gift of love in return ask the giver to accompany you on a walk, or invite them for coffee or whatever quality time thing you want to share with them. If you want to persuade someone to give you something you want, you can indirectly mention when they are around within hearing distance that the next time you get a gift, you would like it to be something that is something that interests you, you can even start a conversation about gift giving and add what it is that feels like a gift to you. You could easily say I’d rather go out to a movie than receive something physical as you are not a materialistic person, spending time with friends, family or someone special is the greatest gift you could ever ask for. Try that and see how it works.
Something to also consider about rules you learned and that is to consider other peoples rules that you have adopted. Question things like, my family taught me to only receive gifts on birthdays and Christmas. Why? Was it because they didn’t have money, didn’t believe in physical gifts, but believed that quality time spent together as a family was gift enough. Did they only give gifts on those two times because they didn’t want you to be spoiled even if they could afford it, or maybe they just did it, so that you wouldn’t feel left out around other children that talked about what they got for Christmas after the break, and maybe they wanted you to feel good and normal like other children that got gifts on their birthdays so that you didn’t think that there was something wrong with you or you were bad in some way. Just some things to consider that maybe having an effect on you now but not longer apply to you today and are within your power and control to change these rules for your benefit considering that they may not actually be rules at all if you were not directly told they were family rules. Keep in mind the positive intention of your families actions, they had a good reason to model these rules for you, there was something your family valued that inspired those rules.
I hope this helps. :)
-James
As a musician, and heavily identifying as one, I was perceived as quite skilled in the general population. I would be given compliments and not know what to do with them, feeling they were directed at my self.
However, when I explored cooking and baking (not my skill set!) I began to keep a little distance between my self and my work, along with any compliments. This allowed me to realize that when someone unskilled in art appreciates it when performed (music, food, dance) they are displaying a high taste for quality, despite not having skill built around it.
This is more reflective not simply of the artists performance or effort, but also to the givers recognition of greatness.
This exploration allows me to receive the compliment heartily and immediately share it with the giver “I’m so glad you were able to perceive the beauty in it!”
We all win!
Thanks Personality Hacker for your products around growth and development.
I’ve just listened to this podcast and there is some truly great things, but there are 2 points that I would like to look into more.
Firstly, I find that I have quite particular tastes and really struggle when someone gives me a gift that I don’t actually want. These leave me in a very difficult place. As an INFJ I really really don’t want to hurt this person’s feelings. I recognise they are giving love in this gift and that my response to them is important. This is totally fine when it’s something that I love, but what when it isn’t? There is this massive obligation to take it and be grateful, and I resent that.
Secondly, I grew up in a home where gifts were reserved for birthdays and Christmas. It wasn’t common for us to give gifts or to see gifts being given. Add to this the fact that my love language is quality time has meant that I am TOTALLY rubbish and either thinking of giving physical gifts, knowing the etiquette of giving gifts or what to give. Because of this I find that people give me things and I never return the gesture. I realise that you covered the feeling of obligation and the need to remove that from the dynamic, but there comes a time when if one person is always giving gifts and the other isn’t it’s going to hurt. Of course this means that when I am again given a gift I feel the guilt, obligation and self worth issues that you speak about.
How would you deal with these situations?