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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about the art of receiving and how to use it in your personal growth journey.
In this podcast you’ll find:
In our culture, we get a lot of emphasis on the importance of giving.
Giving is how we fight narcissistic tendencies and show compassion
We have lots of training on giving. No training on receiving.
The giver is nothing without the receiver.
If someone is attempting to give you something and you won’t receive it, you are taking from them the ability to give.
Sometimes when we reject gifts from others, it is because we worry about feeling a sense of obligation to return the favor.
If someone gives a gift with the idea of trying to bind you to a contract, then it’s not a gift.
The best way to combat a sense of obligation is to remove reciprocity off the table.
Pay it forward.
If we see every gift as a burden, it will result in us being crappy receivers.
Remove obligation from the table as part of the transaction.
Sometimes we struggle with giving because we are afraid it will put the other person under obligation.
If someone feels an obligation after we offer them a gift that is on them, it shouldn’t affect your giving.
In marketing, you are taught to use this feeling of reciprocity. Give something away, so someone will feel beholden enough to purchase.
In the act of receiving, sometimes it creates a dynamic where the receiver feels vulnerable – they feel like they have lost control of the relationship.
One of the best ways to be okay with this power shift is to remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable.
Vulnerability opens us to genuine connection with another human being.
If you find yourself getting upset when placed under obligation, it may be a sign of some intimacy issues.
Vulnerability is the antidote against feeling alone in the world.
Give yourself the opportunity to open up and be vulnerable.
Gifts don’t always need to be tangible. We can receive gifts in words.
When someone pays you a compliment, how do you respond? Do you reject the compliment and point out all your failures?
Why do we do this? Do we interpret words of affirmation as empty platitudes or flattery? Or are we convinced we need to be self-effacing?
Deflecting all gifts may be a fear that we don’t deserve the gifts we are offered.
Get present with the situation and just let it be without judging it.
Get into your Perceiving or Learning process – N/S – which looks at life with curiosity from a neutral position.
The person giving you a gift isn’t concerned about your worthiness, or they think you are extremely worthy. Realize that and rest into it.
Don’t analyze the gift incentives at the moment. Be present and be a gracious receiver. Consider the incentives later.
Frequently energies that go out are the same energies that come back to us.
The universe is neutral as to what we will get, but we can influence those things with our behavior.
“I’ve got what it takes to have the life that attracts good things into it.”
If you can’t receive little things how will you receive the big things that come up in your life – like an ideal partner or job opportunity?
Shift from believing yourself undeserving to deserving.
Open yourself to the gifts of others and you will open to the gifts of the universe.
Instead of thinking, “Am I deserving of this gift?” say “Am I deserving of love?”
A gracious receiver accepts a person’s love and says “I love you, too” because I’m not going to reject your gift of love.
All of us feel rejected when we try to give somebody love, and they won’t receive it.
Stop seeing gifts as stuff and see them as manifestations of love.
“I will take your love and give you love back by accepting it.”
Set the tone for being the kind of society who regularly gives and receives love.
Questions for discussion: When have you had difficulty giving/receiving? Did you grow up in a family that impacted your ability to give/receive?
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14 comments
Hi Kira
I have no advice, just support and to say I hear you completely.. I relate to what you say. I hope you find answers.
hugs
Wow James, thank you for spending the time to write this. I appreciate that a lot.
You have given me a lot to think about. I am already aware of rules I have taken on that give me pain but hadn’t really thought of this one. As yet I am not sure how to go about changing those rules but doing so is a major focus for me at the moment… so… one foot in front of another I will work towards doing it, and I will include this one in that work.
Thank you again :)
Thank you for an amazing podcast. This really opened my eyes for my own behaviour as being an INFJ. The issue I have has always has been a self-worth issue. In the past I have done some horrible and selfish things that remind me that I am not worthy of the love or appreciation that I am getting. But in reality that past is past and what I am receiving now is coming to me since the “cosmos” feels I am worthy of the things I am offered.
Karma is often understood as an action and reaction but karma is also a programming. It us our inner software of who and what we are. According to what we are within life will change how we perceive world outside. So when good things are coming to us it is our inner karma taking a more tangible manifestation. Abundance is never hold back from us. It is we who has our cups full of something else that makes it impossible for thar abundance to come to us. If we wish to receive we need to empty our cups ot perhaps turn them the right way up and let life pour its love on us. Love is not affection as we think it is. Love is pure joy of being alive and experiencing life to its fullest. So shutting ourselves because of self-worth issues we shut ourselves out from truly enjoying the sweet fruits of life ?
Thank you once again and all the Best Wishes!
Thanks James! All of that is going to take some serious digging, but I look forward to it. I’ve already had some Aha moments thanks to your initial comment. :)
Hi Charis! You are most welcome. Thank you for your kindness, it means a lot to me. You have earned my respect and are quickly earning my trust. :) Since educational things interest you and also since I was speaking to the Ti of these INFJs on here, let me give you a little mini training in how this rules thing works.
1. Make a list of the top 10 positive things that are important to you from most important to least important. These are your moving toward values, it’s what gives you the most pleasure.
2. Ask your self the question, what has to happen for you to feel or succeed in obtaining each of these values? These will be your rules that give you pleasure.
3. Make a list of the top ten negative things that are important for you to avoid from most painful to least painful. These will be your moving away values.
4. Ask yourself the question what has to happen for me to feel or succeed in avoiding these things? These are the rules that give you pain.
I’m going to give an example of this, using Laurie just a name I made up to show you what this looks like and how it works, I’m not focusing on any results here just making the list of values and rules.
Laurie’s moving toward values:
Love
Health
Security
Freedom
Success
Acceptance
Excellence
Harmony
Respect
Integrity
Honesty
Fun
So now we ask the question: What has to happen for her to feel love?
Her answer: I have to feel like I’ve earned it. I have to feel like all my beliefs are accepted and approved by every person I meet. I can’t feel like I’m loved unless I’m perfect. I have to be a great mother, a great wife, and so forth…
Instantly we can see the problem. Love is the highest value on her list, and the greatest source of pleasure for her. Yet her rules do not allow her to give herself this pleasure unless she meets these complex criteria which she has no control over. If any of us base our ability to feel loved dependent on everyone accepting our views, we wouldn’t feel loved very often would we? There are just too many people with different beliefs, and therefore too many ways for us to feel bad.
Take a look at Laurie’s moving away values those things that she hates and gives her the most pain, just the top 3 values and the rules that support them, will leave her in pain.
Laurie’s moving away values and rules, top 3:
Value: Rejection
Rule: I feel rejected if someone doesn’t share my beliefs, and if someone seemingly knows more than I do.
Value: Failure
Rule: I feel like a failure if someone doesn’t believe I’m a good person. I feel like a failure if I don’t feel like I support myself or my family enough.
Value: Anger
Rule: I feel anger when I don’t feel like what I do is appreciated, when people judge before they know me.
So just notice how easy it is for Laurie to feel bad and how hard it is for her to feel good. I would imagine she feels very unhappy most of the time.
This is a partial and mini training to get you started, If you would like to go through this whole thing with me so you can use it to help others, let me know I’d be happy to see this make a difference in peoples lives.
I hope this helps and I’m working on a response to the email response you sent me, I have some more INFP insights I found and also your Ni works just fine, I gave it some thought and you were right on all 3 points you made. Which lead to me making more connections and filling in puzzle pieces.
-James