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In this episode Joel and Antonia tackle the question… should you only date certain Myers-Briggs personality types?
In this podcast you’ll find:
Does type predict a good/bad relationship?
The short, unhelpful answer is – NO, you cannot predict a good relationship based on MBTI.
The longer answer is – Sometimes.
There is an entire system running when it comes to an individual – culture, Enneagram, Myers-Briggs type, etc.
We forget that attraction isn’t a choice. It is just something that happens to us.
I would caution anyone who limits their dating pool to ideal MB types. You are removing the element of surprise. You may find your ideal type just outside what you consider as acceptable.
Where most people start is which MB types are the most compatible?
The more helpful place to come from is what do you, as an individual, find attractive?
If you are making individual decisions based on massive broad-brush rules, you might have a bad time of it.
Shared values and interests are far more impactful than type.
Enneagram is another strong predictor of compatibility. It determines how a person deals with stress.
Lots of different demographic breakdowns we can look at that will influence one’s ability to maintain attraction and long-term compatibility.
If you break things down to the theoretical level of type, there is a danger. There are lots of other factors that go into a relationship than just type.
In business, just because somebody is of a certain type doesn’t mean they are the best one for the job; or, that they should be discounted because they aren’t of the right type. Character comes into play.
What should you be looking for?
What are you attracted to? Some people are very attracted to a particular cognitive function.
How willing is the other person to work on the relationship?
Can you get some of your needs met outside the relationship?
The rule is there to serve you. You are not there to serve the rule.
Are you becoming the type of person that is going to be the best at who you are so you can attract the most amazing person in your life, no matter their type?
If you grow yourself, you are going to have to shift how you find compatible people. You may not be able to find dates on singles sites or community events. You may need to broaden your horizons and travel to a distant conference where you will meet others on the same personal growth trajectory as you.
The ultimate message is you can’t predict compatibility by type. The biggest node of the system is who you are, and who are you trying to become?
Typology can become rather insignificant when two people who are on the same trajectory meet.
Typology can come into play, but shared interest is paramount.
Type is only one node in the system of the emergent of attraction and a good stable relationship. Not the only node.
Not cause and effect. Just because someone is a certain personality type does not mean they are going to be your best match.
If you are on a personal growth path and that is your primary focus, type becomes a much smaller indicator. Finding a person on the same personal growth path as you is going to be bigger.
If you aren’t on a personal growth path, type may be a bigger node in the system because it will predict compatibility in ways that may prevent conflict.
Conflict is harder to manage if you are not on a personal growth path.
People on a personal growth path prefer conflict because it points to areas of growth opportunity.
If you are in a pair bond relationship, and you are feeling fatalistic about it, your partner may be your opportunity for growth.
Conversely, if you and your partner are creating a dynamic that is perpetually conflict oriented your relationship may be complete.
Typology is a tool that has its uses. In some situations, it is more useful than others.
Let your pleasure and bliss guide the process. Don’t serve the tool. Let the tool serve you.
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18 comments
I agree that there are going to be components of type that will influence compatibility. The challenge is that it’s based on the system of the individual, not a specific type being the ideal for another specific type.
Watching patterns in your own life emerge and honoring those patterns is smart. Giving advice indicating that all people of a certain type should connect with all people of another type… not so much. :)
A
I like the 16 personalities approach to Myers Briggs. I find the addition of a fifth dimension, T (turbulent) vs A (assertive) to be a critical missing piece to the puzzle of personality typology. Myers Briggs is not perfect but it is a good starting place for determining personality and predicting preferences and life’s various outcomes.
Reliably predicting type compatibility is probably easier for those who unequivocally occupy one of the 16 (or 32) types. People forget that the four dimensions are measured on a spectrum. I am an INTJ-A. I score extremely high, close to 100% for both introversion and thinking and very high for assertiveness. I have more neutral feelings towards I/E, S/N and J/P and see the benefits of them all but the thinking trait is superior to feeling trait, as is the assertive trait to the turbulent. I avoid feelers like the plague. A turbulent extroverted feeler is kryptonite to me, add perceiving to that mess and I run away of I can, shut down if I can’t. I hate drama. It is a struggle for me to deal with turbulent feelers in general but an ESFP-T who scores extremely high on extroversion and feeling and turbulence, would be absolutely incompatible with me. To think otherwise is naive. What’s the point of interacting with people like that? Self flagellation? No thanks. I have better things to do than waste a day recovering from a two hour interaction with an ESFP-T. I can tolerate assertive individuals who score very low on the feeling dimension, especially if they are judgers but they need a good grip on those feelings.
People who are in denial of type compatibility/incompatibility are victims of politically correct pathologically altruistic thinking. And humans are not uncarved blocks, capable of unlimited growth and change.
Great podcast—this is a really common topic, so I liked hearing your perspective. Love your emphasis on growth—so important! I’m an INFP married to an ISTJ. We’ve known each other for 10 years, married for 6 of those years. We get along very well overall. I tend to like TJ’s. Their way of thinking is strong in areas where I am weak, so I admire that and need that balance in my life. But overall, I would rather be with someone who shares common values and goals, regardless of type.
Thanks for the insightful podcast Antonia and Joel. I am in a relationship which has lasted twenty years. We have three children together. Although we love one another and have a mutual respect for each others differences I have had the sense of a strong tension between us which has been there for a long time. When I discovered my personality type and his it was like an epiphany for me in understanding the tension that exists for me, between us. I am an ENFP and he is an ISTJ and these models are complete reflected opposites. Initially I was a bit shocked and at times feel defeated in my desire to make the tension between us dissipate and our relationship flourish. After listening to this podcast I have a deepened reassurance that I can. I say I can because my partner is not really willing yet to give much attention the personality hackers system or any other new age kinda system attention, as seems to be a classic response of his type and of him as I know so far on the journey. But I also have incredible faith in him and in myself to work through this, your podcasts certainly offer me this strength to continue. When I was listening to the podcast, as I often do, am usually preparing a meal, last night it was dinner, my partner was coming in and out of the kitchen and catching snippets of the cast as he was doing his thing, making comments, a little sarcastic and undermining, but still, listening. I recognized that he seemed actually quite worried that I would be listening to someone I don’t know giving advise on relationships and that it was likely I was applying this to ours. I love how Antonia made reference to her parents relationship and spoke of their differences and how they allow one another space to step outside of the relationship to get needs met for themselves. This helped me and Gavin, my partner to recognize that we also do this for one another, somehow this acknowledgement was enough for both us to show gratitude to each other for something we’d always done. I am really interested in your thoughts about relationships that are like ours where we are reflected opposites of one another, could you offer a podcast on this topic, I know I would appreciate it and so would Gavin in an indirect osmosis kind of way. Much gratitude, Alicia
Hi Joel and Antonia,
I just listened to this podcast, and I love that you both take the approach of reserving judgement in dating until you have determined if there is a natural attraction. I completely agree!
In my case I am an INTJ woman and I am in a relationship with an INFP woman, and whenever I am referencing Myers-Briggs personality types for our relationship it is usually to work out her point of view, and the way that she thinks about things. Once my Introverted Intuition gets a good understanding of that, I can take a better stance when addressing her. As an INTJ I easily get frustrated by her lack of strength in Extroverted Thinking, but she is obviously an expert with Introverted Feeling, and she allows me to express myself without changing her regard for me. She’s a bit of a magical creature as far as I’m concerned, and I have always been attracted to her. I also create that “emotional container” that you guys made reference to in a previous podcast, and I think that’s why she’s always so level headed.
I didn’t even know my Myers-Briggs personality type when we met, so I didn’t have it to use as reference, and I’m glad that I didn’t. I just look for people that can pull my head out of the clouds, just by existing.