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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about shifting focus from looking for Mr or Ms. Right to becoming Mr or Ms. Right.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- Some people have an idealistic perspective of how love/relationship should look.
- They also have an idealized perspective of how developed they are as opposed to those they keep attracting.
- Some say that conversation is awkward for some Millennials because they haven’t built the skill of interaction without a platform like Tinder or Facebook.
- If your goal is to find someone you can love, what can you do to make that happen?
- There is a massive shift when you stop looking for Mr./Ms. Right and start focusing on becoming Mr./Ms. Right.
- If you feel like you’ve arrived but you aren’t attracting similar people, then ask yourself if you have really arrived.
- You will attract people at your level. Get accurate about where you are.
- Create a list of all of your ‘requirements’ in a spouse.
- What level of intimacy are you desiring?
- Are you matching the requirements you have for others?
- When we are younger, we tend to place physical attributes high on the list.
- As we age, we start to recognize that the nonphysical becomes essential.
- Attraction isn’t an option. It just happens to us.
- Social Sexual Imprints podcast
- Once we permit ourselves to have a broader spectrum of attraction, we start eliminating the laundry list of requirements.
- Do you allow society to influence your requirements for a partner?
- Sometimes we attract bad situations into our life.
- We get what we put out.
- If you are in a troubled relationship, what can you do to become a better person?
- Do you actually want a relationship?
- Or is your laundry list of requirements a shield against building a relationship?
- Relationships can become a mirror to all the work we haven’t been doing.
- Nothing can tell you you’ve arrived.
- There is growth that can happen within a relationship that cannot occur outside of a relationship.
- There is also growth you have to do on your own, outside a relationship.
- The work to become better versions of ourselves is always there waiting for us.
- “When I stopped looking they showed up.”
- When you stop focusing so hard on finding that person and start focusing on who you are you become attractive to others.
- Become a magnet for the person you want to attract.
- If you want to attract an empowered person you need to make sure you are empowered.
- If you want to attract someone who is physically fit, you need to match that yourself.
- Looking for a love relationship is looking for a peer relationship.
- Shift from an outcome frame to a process frame.
- Stop focusing on the outcome and focus on the process that is involved in attracting the person that is right for you.
- If you are still single and you are working on yourself, that doesn’t mean that you still have more work to do.
- Sometimes there is the concept of wrong place/wrong time.
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8 comments
You two are the best! This is great. I am a millennial and have observed people’s fear to talk to others and idea that if a relationship is not perfect from day 1 than it’s time to scrap it. I think my generation grew up with a huge number of romantic comedies that like you said, only focus on the coming together of 2 people and nothing after that so there aren’t examples of how-to work through conflict, understand your own needs, how to assert them and accommodate the needs of your partner.. all things I’m trying to work on!
I guess my question is, how do you know when it’s time to complete a relationship? I feel like I’ve been putting so much energy into my relationship of 4 years but don’t always get much back. I know there is always more communication that could be done, but I recently met someone who seemed the perfect balance of energy & inspiration that I’ve been trying to feel in my current relationship. I think this came to me because ive been in such a good place of personal developmemt and focus.. but I’ve decided to stick with my partner who i love and focus on being my best self, but am worried that maybe I’m missing something really special.. that could be right for me
I loved this!!!!! I am a divorced mama of a marriage of 18 years… 4 kids later…
Your podcast was awesome, I am all about personal growth and my ex man was all about just fitting into the group. I used to be so mad about it but I think our purposes and goals just changed. He left me for another woman in our friend group but I was out growing the group and he liked things they way they were…
I can’t explain it but your podcast brought a lot of peace to me. Also I did make a list of my future hubby qualities and about 8 months ago I had this deep sense of if I am wanting this in a man I better have it in myself so I quit looking and started developing. I have not found “my man” yet but I am okay with that. The relationship I have with MYSELF is awesome and I am confident that I will some day find a quality man when the timing is right that has the capacity to live and love like me because I chose the process.
I love you guys and wish blessing over blessing for you!
Cheers!
Janelle
I stopped being mad that my previous relationship ended, I went to OA and did interesting work for 2 years and then an old colleague looked me up and we started having lunch. I thought: Oh, nice to have some male energy in my life, even though not my type. I had the beginning of new skills to be a better listener, to be more relaxed in male-female conversations (sexual subtype in Enneagream). And after 5 months, something happened to us both at the same time. Now this ENTJ is with an ISFJ who would not have ticked ANY boxes on previous relationship lists, except high intelligence. I continue to grow because of his inspiration, BUT ALSO because this is a challenging relationship—paying attention to the dynamic differences which are fun but ripe for misinterpretation. My assumptions about everything in life are regularly questioned—that’s good for me personally and good for the relationship. A good relationship is a bright mirror.