Podcast - Episode 0245 - Different Conversation Styles

22 comments

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  • Rowena
  • October 14, 2018 at 11:51 pm

  ETA: I love to have one-to-one discussions about interesting topics, but it took me years to realise that I was supposed to respond to the initial “How are you?” with “Fine, how are you?”
  I’d reply but I would have trouble with just saying “Fine”. I’d rather not be engaging in the small talk at all, but if I reply I want it to be accurate. Now, I try to say “Fine”, but will often say “I’m here/alive” instead as it’s still accurate, but less vague than “Fine”.
  I used not to ask the question in return because (unless I genuinely wanted to know how the person was) I found it pointless, but now I ask because I know that other people value the politeness of social convention.

  I have noticed, though, a sort of Greeting Loop in the past few years:
  Person 1: “How are you?”
  Person 2: “I’m fine, how are you?”
  Person 1: “I’m fine, how are you?”

  Why has Person 1 asked twice? They started it!

• 

  • Rowena
  • October 14, 2018 at 11:35 pm

  I’m (as far as I can make out) an INTP, 5w4 spsosx, and for me, the art of conversation has been something I’ve had to learn over time.
  As a child I was very shy with anyone who wasn’t a relative/close friend, and feared meeting people and being put into a conversation with strangers. The threat of awkward silences was scary. Over the years I’ve learned how to communicate most of the time. However, I worry that sometimes I overcompensate either by saying inappropriate things, or being garrulous, or smiling too broadly. It’s as if my brain has decided that social contact is an all-or-nothing situation because I’m still rather clueless about what is or isn’t appropriate. One thing I know is that I hate being misunderstood – either in terms of my character or whatever point I am trying to make about a given subject. In most cases I would rather give a long winded explanation about something, than lie with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. My need for accuracy will not allow it, even though it would be so much simpler to pretend.

  When it comes to topics of interest/expertise, I have a lot to say e.g. I was always raising my hand in class if it were a subject I liked. But during lunch breaks I would often sit by myself, or else wander round and round the school thinking or muttering to myself about whatever was on my mind.
  It seems, too, that I have been perceived as aloof, when I was just shy, or unable to adapt. I was teased a lot at school and that’s stuck with me and I’ve often kept myself to myself. For example, when I began my current job my boss was pleased with my work, but said I wasn’t friendly enough and that nobody knew how to approach me because I looked serious or angry. I had literally no idea that this was the case. All I knew was I was doing my best to be sociable, but I wasn’t currently ready to be friends with my colleagues. This revelation from my boss has led me to adopt a rather over-the-top persona at work so as to fit in better and avoid further comment. It’s been, quite frankly, exhausting. I’m now attempting to be myself again and not care. She still thinks I’m not friendly enough whatever I do, so I’ve stopped trying.

  I think one of the things that helped me a lot, and still helps me, is performing. I’m a musician and often sing and act on stage. I know this may seem odd for an INTP, but I find it helps as being somebody else for a little while, and pretending to express certain emotions can be extremely cathartic. I don’t much like being in the spotlight in real life, even when I’m being applauded after a performance, but being on stage is probably the best feeling in the world. Besides, there’s so much more to music than mere emotions. I could go on and on and link music to perhaps every other academic subject, but that’s another story…I once had somebody come up to me and tell me how great it was that I was “not a diva”. They seemed to think that because I’m an operatic soprano I would automatically be a highly strung, overly demanding bitch.
  Anyway, what I meant was that (despite not being a diva!) developing onstage personae has helped me react and interact in real life situations. It’s not that I’m lying, as such, but I am often enhancing my responses, or at least, finding a way to cope. I suppose it’s that ‘social chameleon’ attribute in action.

  I’d be intrigued to know if other INTPs find that they swing between timid silence and nervous babbling when chatting. As a child, when in a babbly phase, I could be rather outspoken and abrasive, accidentally offending friends or teachers, but I have learnt to curb and refine my responses more often these days.

• 

  • L
  • October 10, 2018 at 8:26 pm

  Interesting topic. I often come away from conversations kicking myself because I’ve tried to connect one-on-one, when other people just wanted a fun social chat. ‘Listener mode’ is definitely a safer bet, except with very like-minded friends. (INTJ/1 Sx)

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  • Antonia Dodge
  • October 4, 2018 at 1:41 pm

  Thanks for the resource!

  A

• 

  • James
  • October 3, 2018 at 11:14 pm

  Antonia, Joel and staff,
  This may help you guys find more depth in understanding conversational styles, without boxing things in with Sociology or MBTI terms only. I wouldn’t mind if you guys thought of interviewing this author too on the subject I think it would provide some good information for a podcast.

  Books I’m reading:

  That’s Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships by Deborah Tannen

  I only say this because I love you by Deborah Tannen

  Failure to Communicate: How Conversations Go Wrong and What You Can Do to Right Them by Holly Weeks

  You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by Deborah Tannen

  Two more for mothers and women:

  You’re Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation by Deborah Tannen

  You’re the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women’s Friendships by Deborah Tannen

  As an INTJ I found these to be very informative. I thought I was condescending or putting others down as I’ve been accused of, however over the years I’ve really softened my approach toward others with disclaimers or introductions to subjects I wanted to talk about or even before I make statements. I had an INFJ ask me if I thought she was stupid or something, I had to tell her i fact no I didn’t I actually enjoyed talking to her because of how intelligent I found her and that I often share information not knowing if the listener knows what I know or not, sometimes I forget to ask if they know before I open my big mouth and dump facts all over someone. What I found from Deborah Tannen’s books was that I have a normal male style of communication which is informative, teaching, reporting and direct in context and it’s all about the message not the meta-message, there’s usually no underlying subjective meaning as many women communicate in. It’s usually single layer speech where as women can have complex multi-layered speech with many subtle meta-messages of the actual direct meaning. I found the differences enlightening, however the only thing the books are lacking for me is solutions or corrections to speech, so I keep looking for better ways to connect to those that use more Fe as co-pilot. Any recommendations for me would be helpful.

  I still recommend these as they are gems for understanding ourselves better and do explain how some things that are said are not in the right context of our understanding and how others view us based on our conversational styles.

  I think the most key point of information I learned from these is that conversation is nurture not nature and is formed in early childhood according to Deborah Tannen. So this would mean that if I seem condescending or acting superior it maybe what people hear based on their past experience with authority figures or primary caregivers.

  I hope this helps others as it did me.