Podcast - Episode 0229 - Developing Feeling As A Co-Pilot (IxFJ & ExFP Types)

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• Car Model article
• Car Model Podcast
• Why We Resist Developing The Co-Pilot In Our Personality
• Our Copilot function the opposite attitude of our Driver
• If our Driver is Introverted, our Copilot is Extraverted and vice versa
• We usually have a preference for our Driver attitude, so we tend to avoid our Copilot.
• Today we are talking about the types that have Feeling as a Copilot
• INFJ and ISFJ use Extraverted Feeling (Fe) as their Copilot
• ENFP and ESFP use Introverted Feeling (Fi) as their Copilot
• IFJs lead with a learning (perceiving) function – Intuitive or Sensor
  • Thinking/Feeling are Judging functions – where our Should statements live
  • When we talk about developing the Copilot, we aren’t talking about a one trick pony.
  • We are talking about figuring out all the different gifts that come with that function
  • It is uncomfortable for IFJs to develop Fe because it puts them in a vulnerable position
  • IJs lead with introverted perceiving functions (“Perspectives” and “Memory”)
  • IJs don’t do a lot of conscious filtering of the info coming in until later in post processing when they decide what the meaning of the info is
  • Since IFJs can’t vet info in real time but only deal with it later, they fear what gets trapped inside of them.
  • So, they put up a bunch of firewalls to make sure icky stuff doesn’t get caught inside
  • One of the challenges in developing Fe is that it forces you out of your inner world and into the outer world where you have to learn to cope with the info coming in.
  • IFJs Copilot is Extraverted Feeling “Harmony” (Fe)
  • Harmony is about social dynamics and connecting points between humans.
  • Making sure harmony is maintained is very important to IFJs.
  • Harmony is a real-time kinetic function. It taps into the real-time temperature of the room.
  • Harmony can feel when somebody isn’t doing well emotionally.
  • Depending on the closeness of a relationship, some IFJs can feel deep wounding emotions from another person.
  • Harmony can find itself hit by a wave of emotion that isn’t theirs.
  • For this reason, It is essential for IFJs to keep people feeling good.
  • You can see why Harmony is a judging function because it pushes people toward action, “Let’s fix what is causing this emotion.”
  • They strive to get from a place of conflict to a place of harmony so all emotions are even-keeled.
  • True Harmony isn’t about just covering over conflict and burying it but by processing it and going through it.
  • Like water damage on a plaster wall. Dig out the damage and fix it correctly, don’t just paint over it. Otherwise, The damage is still there.
  • Actual conflict resolution is essential.
  • We create intimacy through conflict.
  • We tend to create a synthetic version of growth to feel like we have moved the needle on development, but the actual development of our Copilot forces us to plow through the challenges and learn from them.
  • It is not an authentic Harmony to be nice and keep things shallow.
  • Harmony requires IFJs to be willing to go through the fire with more honesty and truth and by articulating preferences and boundaries.
  • They’re going to have to put their neck on the line which feels awful initially.
  • Articulating their preference doesn’t always create the mushroom cloud IFJs anticipate.
  • Self-esteem comes into play when IFJs realize they can enter the world as themselves.
  • Sometimes we seek solace in our 10-year-old function
  • For IFJs, that’s Introverted Thinking “Accuracy”
  • Accuracy tends to judge others first, then let them know what they should be doing to be more harmonious.
  • The 10-year-old function is less vulnerable for IFJs.
  • It’s a thinking, cold place.
  • The 10-year-old needs to serve the Copilot, not the other way around.
  • Instead of coming from a judgmental frame, connect first, then use the truth to seek an accurate perspective and find the things in the convo that are causing conflict that isn’t necessary.
  • When IFJs spend time using this function, they become incredibly persuasive because other people feel understood.
  • “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
  • This process is excellent at creating healthy boundaries.
  • There are different boundaries: massive brick walls or gates that can open at will.
  • You don’t need impenetrability, but you are allowed to have your own space.
  • Sometimes we get hurt, but that is part of being human.
  • The more you let the gate swing open, the more you learn who you can trust and who you can’t
  • FJs tend to cater to the needs of others in an attempt to avoid the conflict that comes when they decide to put their own needs first.
  • It’s not selfless; it’s selfish.
  • Work on good boundary setting
  • Work on conflict resolution
  • Work on learning when to say No
  • IFJs who do this have a gentleness with penetrating truth backing it up.
  • They won’t BS you. You can trust them, which is a beautiful intimacy.
  • IFJs who over-rely on their 10-year-old aren’t as right as often as they think they are because they are missing a big piece of the puzzle, which is the impact their truths have on others.
  • But when they use their functions in the order they are supposed to, their Introverted Thinking is sharper, and they become smarter and better at identifying real truths.
  • The Harmony process is the key to IFJs being able to spot the truth.
• Exercise:
  • IFJs can go one of two ways, they say Yes to everything when they have chosen to be a people pleaser, or they say No to everything and hide out at home.
  • We don’t know which one you are, so we aren’t going to tell you to say No more or Yes more.
  • We are going to encourage you to communicate better.
  • Share your personal preferences and be willing to have an ensuing conflict. You created a world where you don’t bring conflict, so people will be surprised by this shift in behavior. That’s okay. Share your truth anyway and deal with the potential fallout.
  • So, we are going to encourage you to share your personal preference and be willing to have any ensuing conflicts that arise. You will get better at dealing with conflict, and it will become less scary.
  • State your preference and let it hang there.
  • Does it disrupt anything?
  • Is there a middle ground?
  • Don’t be a peacekeeper but learn to create peace by playing in each other’s sandbox.
  • Fe gives you organizational ability and keeps you in tune with how people are experiencing things like time, their environment, or their setting.
  • The more IFJs connect with their introverted perceiving process of Introverted Intuition or Sensing the more disconnected they can become from their judging process and can start to look more like Perceivers than Judgers.
  • Fe gives IFJs the ability to tether to their external world again and connect with time and organization.
• Introverted Feeling “Authenticity”
  • ENFPs and ESFPs
  • ENFPs lead with Extraverted Intuition “Exploration”
  • ESFPs lead with Extraverted Sensing “Sensation”
  • Both of their Copilots are Introverted Feeling “Authenticity”
  • If Harmony is looking at the lines between people.
  • Authenticity is looking at the people themselves.
  • Fe starts from the collective.
  • Fi starts from the individual
  • Introverted Judging process: figuring out what resonates with you on a core level
  • What feels authentic to you?
  • What resonates with the core of who you are?
  • Authenticity is a slow process because it takes time to figure out what resonates with you fundamentally.
  • It is challenging for EFPs to slow down enough to know what resonates on a core level.
  • It will feel slow and clumsy to EFPs who prefer to be in action.
  • It’s hard to articulate as extraverts how difficult it is to get into an introverted function.
  • “Do I know myself that well? I was making all these quick decisions, and now I don’t think I was doing the right thing.”
  • EFPs have to limit their motion to find what resonates, so it seems to get in the way of their freedom.
  • There is a synthetic version of your end game (freedom), and there is a real version of your end game
  • The real version comes with self-esteem and groundedness.
  • Synthetic freedom has the belief that it can do anything it wants, which isn’t true.
  • Binding consequences come with too much freedom and leave you imprisoned.
  • Actions can be literal burdens or emotional guilt.
  • Knowing your inner world well gives you real freedom because you have an anchor point to keep you psychologically clean and in alignment with what you want.
  • With Authenticity, the conflict is internal instead of external as with Harmony.
  • Dive into the conflict that lives inside, work down through it, sit with it, meditate with it, and trust yourself to make the decisions that are correct for you.
  • Sometimes the feelings FPs have are in direct opposition to each other.
  • EFPs can avoid making decisions by just doing what comes up at the moment.
  • Or they go to their tertiary function of Extraverted Thinking to make quick decisions.
  • Does this resonate with me? Or does it conflict with the core voices inside of me?
  • They reach a point in their life where they have built a life that doesn’t resemble what they want.
  • Emotional Aikido: Ability to get other people to feel the desired emotion through persuasion
  • As opposed to Harmony, which absorbs emotion, Authenticity can project emotion outward.
  • EFPs know they can do this. They can talk anybody into anything.
  • They can even Persuade through energy instead of words.
  • This kind of emotional aikido needs to be used for good because it can be highly manipulative.
  • Letting the Copilot serve the tertiary usually ends up looking like the EFP is manipulating people to get what they want.
  • Emotional aikido yourself: Figure out what you feel about something and experience the conviction around it then use Te to make it happen in the outside world.
  • FPs will never quiet the dissenting voices within. They will always have dissenting voices.
  • So you need to pull along the dissenting voices with a deeper ethic.
  • Authenticity is so tied to identity that ego ends up getting involved.
  • The work of Authenticity is acknowledging the part of them that has some vanity while recognizing the more profound ethic. li>
  • Let the dissenting voices come along for the ride. Don’t let them hijack the process. Don’t be in reaction to them. Don’t let others hack into them and make you feel bad for having them.
  • It’s tough when developing an introverted judging function not to get the ego wrapped up in it.
  • We want to only look at the flattering parts of ourselves that feel good.
  • Are you using this function only to feel good or to feel aligned?
  • Harmony users have to be in conflict and accept its inevitability.
  • Authenticity users have to sit with the icky parts of who they are and accept them.
  • Some types with Authenticity in their stack only see the dark parts of themselves.
  • Go ahead and accept those dark parts but also remember that there are also good parts.
  • Engage the entire inner council – dark and light.
  • The highest growth for Authenticity is taking in the hard truths and sorting them out.
  • Look for the deeper resonance in spite of the inner voices that dissent.
• Exercises:
  • When you decide you want to do something, get out a journal and write out all the reasons you are motivated to do it. Be honest with yourself. All the core motivations, no matter how trite or vain. Write them all out. Then sit with them. Ask yourself questions about what each one means about you as a person. Which ones would trigger you to not get into action? What is the deeper ethic? What is the real reason for doing it? No matter what all the other reasons are: “I know at the core of my being that it resonates with me to do this because of…”
  • When you get good at this, you can begin to see other people’s motivations. It’s like a superpower.
  • It increases your capacity for empathy and compassion.

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