I was recently reading in one of my favorite magazines (American Scientific Mind) an interesting little article on why people are so much more apt to be mean to each other online. For a long time they thought it was the anonymity, but turns out it’s directly linked to a lack of eye contact with the recipient.
They conducted a study where people communicated with each other online in multiple contexts. Sometimes they were able to see a side view of each other through cameras, sometimes they were instructed to share intimate personal details, and other times they looked directly in each other’s eyes through webcams.
Those in the first two categories were 50% more likely to be antagonistic and ‘mean’ than those in the third category. That is, regardless of whether or not people could see a side view or know the other person’s name, age, occupation, etc… they were STILL more likely to be mean than if they were looking directly in the other person’s eyes. The conclusion? We’re more gentle with other people when we get immediate feedback on the effect we’re having on them, and eyes give away our emotional state.
How often are you looking into the eyes of other people as you talk to them or even pass them on the street? The most effective way of developing compassion is to truly understand another human being. We often say this is the most powerful aspect of personality psychology. However, if you want to get started in a simple actionable way, start being aware and focusing on other people’s eyes. Make eye contact even if it’s uncomfortable. Eyes are gateways to the soul, and watching the responses people have to every day events and encounters will tell you novels about them. Information easily becomes understanding, and understanding leads to compassion.
For more information, I recommend reading “The Power of Eye Contact” by Michael Ellsberg. Good stuff.
-Antonia
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20 comments
Thanks for posting. That was awesome! :-)
Antonia,
This is an amazing article. I have been working on my own eye contact for the past year and I have found it helps tremendously in business and personal relationships. And just when I think I am doing it enough. I look back on an exchange and notice I have not been. It takes a lot of practice.
Second my son is 13 and has Aspergers. And if you are familiar with this condition you know Aspies have terrible problems with eye contact. And they have debilitating social problems.
I have always wondered why it is that he is treated so badly by so many people adults and other children. I think this is another piece of the puzzle. We have been working with him on eye contact. This definitely gives us more focus on this issue.
Thanks,
Jerry
Antionia,
Thanks for this, I am 53 yrs and have minimal eye contact with people throughout my life because of shakey eyes (I do not know the official term used by docs’s) but my eyes move ball around or shake and believe it I was really teased when very young by peers therefore I avoided looking into anothers eyes for at least to long, usually I can go for about the count of three and then avoid eyes, but after reading this artical I am going to try very hard to keep focused and even though I can feel my eyes move I will stay on the others eyes.
maybe the world will change for me or at least a new adventure breaking habits.
Thanks.
Frank
AS HUMANS (OR HUMAN ANIMALS) WE ARE PROBABLY HARD WIRED TO DISCERN
A LOT ABOUY EACH OTHER THROUGH EYE CONTACT. i BELEIVE IT’S A LANGUAGE ON TO ITSELF. WADDA YA THINK????
It’s true that people are meaner online than in real life due to lack of eye-contact, anonymity etc. But still, that’s what those people really think – they are just less likely to tell you in person. It’s sad how many people are racists, frustrated or just mean. In real-life contacts you don’t notice that quite so often, but when you are communicating online, it seems like most people are that way. It’s just that they are more open and honest online, because they care less about your reaction and possible consequences. But that is their true opinion. Really, it’s a sad world we live in.