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In this episode, Joel and Antonia continue talking through the personal story of Antonia actually attempting to make peace with her parents.
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Podcast - Episode 0243 - Making Peace With Your Parents (Part 1)
Podcast - Episode 0245 - Different Conversation Styles
46 comments
Antonia, really painful, yet now the lines are clear and a “chapter is closed”. Your gift to them and to yourself is profound.
The memes at play here are not just memes. It is a mixture of ‘value memes’, psychological issues (shadows), social belonging / group think, interpersonal issues (codependence, “contracts”), and ego developmental stage. In some sense there is no penetrating a system that is so overdetermined.
I have been engaging with Terri O’Fallon’s “STAGES” developmental model which is the most integrative model I’ve seen. It recognizes and honors shadows/traumas at lower stages and how some people really root into one developmental level having created their identities and relationships around that. To differentiate and “think for oneself” is a later stage from the conformity/belonging stage. That transition is sometimes never made psychologically, especially if the cultural field is at odds with that.
Glad you are finding closure and completion.
Hi Antonia,
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Your vulnerability through this experience is really admirable, and it’s really special to be able to sit with you in this space, though I am removed.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this episode for the past several hours. It really struck me that your parents displayed such resentment towards the fact that simply being with you was so easy. Though it may be hidden under layers of fear and anger, I think their root issue is probably their enduring love for you. I can’t help but imagine that they have an incredibly hard time reconciling their hatred of your life path with their simple enjoyment of your energy, and a repressed pride in the woman they raised.
Again, thank you for this episode, and I hope you can find some healing and comfort in your family and PH community.
Your dad spending time with driving around his old neighbor hood was his way of thanking you for what you said. Let that feeling wash over you. People that have been abused can’t always show there vulnerable side through words. But the actions speak volumes. Hugging you. Sometimes the castrophizing thought when vulnerable is I give an inch they take a mile. I believe h is explosive reaction to calling the police was him saying didn’t she get the love I was sending her. All the best.
hello Joel and Antonia, thank you for this episode. I find it very inspiring that you are willing to describe your experiences with such openness. A few episodes ago, you (Antonia) said that you questioned whether people wanted to hear about your personal experiences, and as an enneagram 5, this is something I completely understand. Even though I love when people talk extensively about their thoughts and feelings, when I do so myself, I feel very raw and vulnerable, so I just feel very grateful that you were willing to go into such personal detail for the podcast. This episode, as well as the last (and several others, of course) are going to be something I return to throughout my life.
Two years ago, my parents’ relationship took a very dark turn and they’re currently in the process of divorcing after a 30-year marriage. My mom had some early childhood trauma that she did not address, and it bubbled to the surface and caused a lot of discord. You speak about how the dissolution of paradigms can be destabilizing, and this was definitely something I struggled with. It’s been strange to have my parents’ marriage dissolve at the (roughly) beginning of my adulthood (i’m 23) because it made me rethink a lot of assumptions i’d made about relationships while growing up.
I resonate with the idea that you put forward to your dad. He was able to break a pattern of abuse, and even though there were still struggles, you still grew up feeling safe in the world, and that’s huge.
I think the most important lesson I’ve taken from my experience, and something that seems to play a role in your thinking process, Antonia, is that perhaps you can only make peace with your parents when you establish emotional autonomy, completely divorced from your parents’ opinions and support. It makes sense that we rely on them for these things as children, but it’s impossible to proceed as equals if you’re still reliant on them to validate your emotions.
There is so much to say, and I’m still trying to process everything you guys have talked about in this episode and the last, but I am an avid listener of your podcast and I just feel like it’s better to express my gratitude (even if it doesn’t capture all the thoughts the podcast initiated) than to say nothing at all. you both have my support!
At minute 58:21 you mention about the experience being disappointing but complete. This quote helped through a lot of hard times and I thought you would like it:
“Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife – chopping off what’s incomplete and saying: ‘Now, it’s complete because it’s ended here.’ “ -Dune
Hang in there Antonia!