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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about coping with emotional triggers in your life.
In this podcast you’ll find:
Our triggers help us to shine a light on the dark space of our own feelings of inadequacy.
Triggering happens for all of us. If you want to find out what your triggers are go to an online community like Facebook.
We are emboldened by the anonymity of the internet. Things we would never say to someone’s face we will say to a total stranger on Facebook.
When we become triggered, our emotions make us think they need immediate expression or we may die.
Triggering is related to some ancient programming.
A trigger is anytime your ego feels obliged to defend itself. Our ego is there to keep us alive. When it takes a hit we feel obligated to fight.
If the ego allows itself to the see the trigger for what it is – which can be feelings of inadequacy or something within that needs attending to – then a door may be open to change. If we change we are no longer the same person. That part of your ego dies.
That is what happens in personal development. We go thru many stages of ego death and become unrecognizable to ourselves. The part that want wants to keep us physically alive hitches a ride on the ego and thinks we need to stay the way we have always been in order to survive.
Begin by recognizing what a trigger does for the individual. It is a service that is provided by the outside world.
Drama Triangle vs Empowerment Dynamic podcast
- We create our experiences.
- We are challenged to change and evolve.
- Coaches help us along the way.
How do we create the best world we can? By allowing these triggers to shine a light in dark places and see what needs attending.
When someone in our world triggers us we project onto them that they are doing something to intentionally harm us. What if it had been written a hundred years ago and that person was no longer alive? Would you still be offended?
There is a seductive nature to being offended.
Indignation gives us a boost of inspiration to get us into action.
Righteous indignation feels good and we can get addicted to it.
Detox from that emotional addiction so when we do feel triggered we can be more aware.
A very empowered way to understand triggers is to feel gratitude to the person for bringing attention to something we may not have been aware of.
If we can get to a point of confronting triggers with gratitude instead of anger we will have reached a space where we can control our triggers.
Everyone should be taking responsibility for their own triggers. We can’t force someone else to take responsibility for their own triggers. We aren’t on this earth to make other people pay for the wrongs we think they have done.
Rumi “If you are irritated by every rub how will your mirror be polished?”
We see ourselves through other people and vice versa.
Every trigger is a gift.
Don’t let the triggers gain mastery over you.
Righteous indignation is the fast food for the soul. While fast food tastes good initially it has a bad long-term cost.
There are greater longer term benefits from more positive emotional intelligence.
Use the same thing that causes the trigger to get you out of the experience. If the trigger is around pride and ego, then you can attach yourself to a higher ethic of pride like:
- How do I want to see myself?
- What is a better ego stance I can have?
- What other things can I be proud of?
We have the ability to slow the process down and not have the reaction to triggers that can get us into trouble.
Avoid taking action in the moment of emotion explosion. Wait until there is no emotion attached before you decide to respond.
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21 comments
Thanks for the comment, Shelly! We can be in the right job and still be around the wrong people. It sounds like you are already doing what is necessary to improve your situation.
I had a job once where I prayed for a car accident on the way to work everyday, just so I wouldn’t have to go in. I would rather spend the day in the hospital than at work. When a job gets to that point, it is time to move on. ;)
I have been in a job for the past 4 years that has worn on me emotionally and taxed my energy level because of the large number of “moving parts”. In theory, the job should fit my personality type and skill set well, but in reality I am worn out emotionally and slowly triggered over time, feeling anger, depression and lack of respect.
I have attempted to step back and look at the big picture and have found a couple of patterns. First, the job takes what looks like right brain activity and due to the large amount of planning and administration it sits me in the left brain most of the time, even taking much out of work time to complete the planning. (I am a teacher- enough said.) Secondly, in my top values are relationships, flexibility and respect. I am sacrificing all three of these values for work.
This podcast was a great clarifier that I am on the right trail in growing through these triggers, stepping back to assess the deeper issues and to not act on the triggers in the moment. I have also been looking for more appropriate work that is in alignment with my values.
I absolutely love your podcasts. Thank you for such insightful content.
Thanks for your comment, Robin! I have heard of this legendary ENFP rage. ;)
I think the word selfish is extremely subjective. Selfishness is in the eye of the beholder, in my opinion.
Have you asked your husband to bring you back something when he goes down for breakfast? Sometimes we think, “I shouldn’t have to ask him,” but we shouldn’t expect someone to read our minds. He may be thinking, “I never know what she wants to eat. If I pick something she might not like it. So the most effective thing for me to do is to let her get what she wants.” That may be his way of showing you consideration.
As for your new boss – she’s new to her job. Is it possible she doesn’t really understand how things are compartmentalized? She may be trying to learn the ins and outs of everything and not realizing she is stepping on your toes.
Sometimes it can help for us to switch perspectives and try to see things from the other person’s point of view. People usually aren’t intentionally thoughtless. Most people do the best they can.
Most of all, don’t allow your annoyance with others to ruin your vacation. Have fun! :)
Thanks for the comment, Meg! You make some really great points. The key is getting past the emotional explosion to the logical analysis. Which is why it is so important to step away and cool down.