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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about coping with emotional triggers in your life.
In this podcast you’ll find:
Our triggers help us to shine a light on the dark space of our own feelings of inadequacy.
Triggering happens for all of us. If you want to find out what your triggers are go to an online community like Facebook.
We are emboldened by the anonymity of the internet. Things we would never say to someone’s face we will say to a total stranger on Facebook.
When we become triggered, our emotions make us think they need immediate expression or we may die.
Triggering is related to some ancient programming.
A trigger is anytime your ego feels obliged to defend itself. Our ego is there to keep us alive. When it takes a hit we feel obligated to fight.
If the ego allows itself to the see the trigger for what it is – which can be feelings of inadequacy or something within that needs attending to – then a door may be open to change. If we change we are no longer the same person. That part of your ego dies.
That is what happens in personal development. We go thru many stages of ego death and become unrecognizable to ourselves. The part that want wants to keep us physically alive hitches a ride on the ego and thinks we need to stay the way we have always been in order to survive.
Begin by recognizing what a trigger does for the individual. It is a service that is provided by the outside world.
Drama Triangle vs Empowerment Dynamic podcast
- We create our experiences.
- We are challenged to change and evolve.
- Coaches help us along the way.
How do we create the best world we can? By allowing these triggers to shine a light in dark places and see what needs attending.
When someone in our world triggers us we project onto them that they are doing something to intentionally harm us. What if it had been written a hundred years ago and that person was no longer alive? Would you still be offended?
There is a seductive nature to being offended.
Indignation gives us a boost of inspiration to get us into action.
Righteous indignation feels good and we can get addicted to it.
Detox from that emotional addiction so when we do feel triggered we can be more aware.
A very empowered way to understand triggers is to feel gratitude to the person for bringing attention to something we may not have been aware of.
If we can get to a point of confronting triggers with gratitude instead of anger we will have reached a space where we can control our triggers.
Everyone should be taking responsibility for their own triggers. We can’t force someone else to take responsibility for their own triggers. We aren’t on this earth to make other people pay for the wrongs we think they have done.
Rumi “If you are irritated by every rub how will your mirror be polished?”
We see ourselves through other people and vice versa.
Every trigger is a gift.
Don’t let the triggers gain mastery over you.
Righteous indignation is the fast food for the soul. While fast food tastes good initially it has a bad long-term cost.
There are greater longer term benefits from more positive emotional intelligence.
Use the same thing that causes the trigger to get you out of the experience. If the trigger is around pride and ego, then you can attach yourself to a higher ethic of pride like:
- How do I want to see myself?
- What is a better ego stance I can have?
- What other things can I be proud of?
We have the ability to slow the process down and not have the reaction to triggers that can get us into trouble.
Avoid taking action in the moment of emotion explosion. Wait until there is no emotion attached before you decide to respond.
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21 comments
Okay, this is really long, but I wanted to share an embryo of a litmus test for people who can’t figure out whether they’re INTP or INFP. I’m not sure I’m right about this stuff, but I’m tossing it out there to test it. Also I’m trying to be self-critical about my Ti and remind myself that it’s a subjective function.
So. After listening to this podcast, I realized that triggers might also help you type yourself if you’re unsure. I frequently wonder if I’m an INFP and not an INTP, because I’m a bit too “emo” to fit into the world of cogs and wheels, but a few recent triggers (and my responses) showed off my functions fairly clearly.
So what triggers me? I can get upset at the same things as an INFP (or anyone else for that matter!), for example a friend posting something racist on my Facebook page. But when I argue back, it’s with logic. Now, “logic” for me is a bit of a charged word, because it sounds so fancy and mathematical, but when I ask my family and friends, they agree that I tend to dissociate myself emotionally in discussions and play the devil’s advocate.
Also, what made me froth at the mouth about the racist stuff my friend posted was that this person has called people out for being racist in the past. So in my view, they should be able to see racism at work in their own behaviour too, instead of going on a gut instinct that’s entirely emotional, and then being defensive about it.
To complicate things further, I know about the scars that make this person react with fear, so I sort of understand why they say these things, but it still maddens me that they don’t stop and THINK. My interpretation is that both Ti and Fe are at work here, but Ti takes the lead and tries to argue rationally for something that this person reacts emotionally to, and Ti gets frustrated because it can see where they’re coming from (through Fe?), while the other person (in this case) refuses to entertain a different viewpoint.
If I’m not wrong, then, my trigger has more to do with thoughts than feelings, even though it sets off entirely emotional responses that are almost impossible for me to handle. I had to walk away from the conversation before I said something I’d regret, and then I mulled on it for days and beat myself up for the things I did and didn’t say, and “what if that person hates me forever?” etc.
Now, that all sounds very “feely”, doesn’t it? :) But the thing is, I think it’s got more to do with Fe than Fi, because I want harmony above all, and I don’t have FAITH in my feelings. I can make decisions based on how I feel – like calling in sick because I sense that I’ll have a fever in a few hours – but I’ll also agonize over my decision because it wasn’t based on tangible facts. “What if I’m not really ill? What if this discomfort I’m feeling is false?”
To illustrate further, some things that trigger me are a bit ridiculous. I mean, who in their right mind gets heart palpitations when they read an article where authors state their pet grammar peeves, just because some of those pet peeves have more to do with spelling than grammar? That doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. Nobody gets seriously hurt by it. But my Ti was awakened (like a dragon!), because these people used “wrongly categorized knowledge” to be condescending to others. My impression was that they derided others for mistakes that they were categorizing inaccurately (as grammar instead of spelling), thus making a mistake of their own even as they were being smug. So in this case, I reacted to something I perceived as (sort of) morally wrong, but it was still based on a thinking function. These small inaccuracies don’t really violate an inner system of morals, they violate my subjective view of accuracy – even though I have lots of feelings around it!
(Or am I wrong? Maybe I’m a total INFP. :D)
I don’t mind telling you that it took enormous effort not to post something sarcastic and equally smug about that “grammar pet peeve” article on Facebook. I realized that I would only alienate people (thank you Fe!), so I refrained, but now I’m left to deal with the emotional fallout of not bringing clarity to the situation, LOL. It bugs me SO MUCH when people are smug about something that looks inaccurate to me. The “my ignorance is as valid as your knowledge” thing. Ugh. Very triggering.
And now for the punch line: the cold sweat I experienced when I thought, “Oh, wait… maybe spelling is a subset of grammar? What if my (embarrassingly emotional) reaction to this ‘inaccuracy’ was based on my own ignorance?” The SHAME!
And obsessive googling ensues…
Is that the first rule of Project Mayhem, Tyler? ;)
Thanks for the feedback, Robert! I’m glad you are coming to a better understanding of yourself.
Thanks for the personal perspective, Brad! :)
Being offended is a conscious choice, deal with it.